Are my words worth anything? Do you ever listen to your poor mother? How many times have I told you, children, when you draw a circle, which is your mother’s face, and you draw another circle that intersects with the first in the middle, you have a whole heart, equals Happiness.
But you, my son, you choose to draw a small x in the circle, like this, see, which makes it pout, equals Disappointment.
“But Mama, let me expl…”
Ever since you were three I wanted you to become president like your father, may he rest in freeze. He would be disappointed too. We had it all planned. First you as president, then Imee becomes senator, then president after you.
But here you are, spoiling the scenario, trying only for SECOND BANANA! How will you restore your father's good name?
Will you be able to transfer him from the refrigerator to the Libingan ng mga Bayani if you're only vice president?
How will you protect all the honor and brilliance we have amassed.
"I will ... Ma..."
Listen, the special spot in space that protects the Philippines from cosmic rays won’t be there forever. Climate change is taking it away, and yet you decide to dilly dally?!
“It only looks that way, Ma. The real reason I’m running for vice president instead of...Ma…don’t cry, please…aww, c’mon, Mommy, Ma… ”
Oxford. Tapos Wharton pa. Waaah, huhuhu sniff…I only want the true, the good and the beautiful in life, is that so wrong?
Your late father became a gold trader, buying gold from Fort Knox, also finding Yamashita's treasure, making us so rich it borders on fiction--before becoming the best president this country ever had. Why? Just so his precious only son can be a tsuwariwap backup singer?
“Hold on a second, Ma, please listen. I got it all planned out…”
Planned? A plan? Oh, I see. Oh, yes. A plan to just sit around while the President, which you should be the one, gets all the action? That's a great plan, a plan to break your suffering mother’s heart.
“Don’t be so dramatic naman, Ma. If you’ll just let me explain…”
Oh, so I’m a drama star now ha. I should have a teleserye—“Hinagupit ng Tadhana” because that's how it feels.
“Speaking of tadhana, Ma, it’s really destiny that will make me the president you’re hoping for. Iginuhit ng tadhana ‘yan. When I’m vice-president this is what will happen. Listen. It’s my grand strategy. Ready to hear it?”
Haber, sige nga. This better be good, or my tears will wash away all serenity from my soul. All the beauty and goodness around me. All the…
“See, Ma, winning the vice presidency is the best strategy for me. You don’t have to be responsible for anything, and you won’t be blamed when things go wrong. When I’m VP and Sen. Big Mouth You-Know-Who is in Malacanang, I’m just one terminal lung cancer away from the presidency. Gets?”
Hmmm. Hokay…but what if Sen. Big Mouth loses and the other you-know-who, or the other other you-know-who--both of whom don’t have lung cancer--wins the presidency instead? How will you get from being No. 2 to No. 1?
“Well, a sharpshooter's stray bullet just might find its way to whoever is President while he or she is brushing his or her teeth near an open window...and tada! We’re baaaack!”
Haay, what a relief. You are your father’s son after all. A real Marcos! Here, give your poor mother a big kiss!
First published in Inquirer.net