The Fil-American Rule: Apologize Then Proceed
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Please remove your shoes before entering a Filipino home (Source: Pixnio)
https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2021/new-houseguest-rules.html?cmp=SNO-AAPI-FB&socialid=4937797136
Because we are living in different times, it is but proper to reset the etiquette playbook. Among Filipinos there is a socially-adjusted post-COVID rulebook that pivots and adapts. “Mag-pasenshayan na lang tayo, ha? (Just let small things pass, okay?)”
Most social rules have been re-hashed for post-COVID purposes (we may be forever post-COVID anyway!) but the core is still the kind that prevents a steely-eyed look if a house guest falters on the norm. Here are those Pinoy-friendly, but also universal expectations:
1) Always, and I mean always, remove shoes before you enter a Filipino home if you are visiting or staying for the night. The household may say otherwise, but think what-would-Jesus-do-in-a-Buddhist-temple? Your host might insist you keep the shoes on. The CC (COVID-correct) thing to do is to carry a stash of Lysol wipes in a Ziploc bag and use them to wipe-off the bottom of your shoes. Ask to do this in a bathroom so you can wash your hands as well. Now you are ready to walk the carpet in your sanitized shoes.
2) If you are bringing an overnight bag or a suitcase, it will be best to use the same supply of Lysol wipes to wipe-off the wheels, and might as well wipe-off the entire bag if you traveled by plane. Chances are the host will not stop you if you say in advance “just making sure I sanitize what I am bringing to your house.” It’s now a shared value.
3) That bathroom trash liner you threw all the used wipes into? Wrap it up to show you trapped the dirt and that it is now ready for trashing.
4) If you are hosting a guests or guests, be prepared with a thermometer by the entry door. “I am sorry but as a precaution I must take your temperature. We do this with each other too.” Or say: “Just to assure (name an elder living in the house) Grandma/Grandpa we include temperature-taking in our daily routine.”
Keep a thermometer gun handy
5) There is probably a spread of food waiting for you or your family; it never fails regardless of time of arrival. Wash your hands in the bathroom, but do not use the waiting hand towel. Use the toilet roll to dry your hands with. An attentive host will wash the towels after you leave no matter if you used it or not. Oh, and you may have to flush that toilet roll because you just sealed the trash bag.
6) When eating, begin with an empathetic conversation, not about deaths caused by COVID but with a line of gratitude: “I am so thankful that we are together for this visit. We are mighty survivors, aren’t we?” But if the family has been stricken by COVID positivity and this comes as a surprise to you, then elevate the gratitude. “I am so thankful for that we are together now!” “Salamat sa Diyos…(Thank God)”
7) Break the ice – “How did you know I haven’t had pancit in a long time?” “This is such a treat to be together; to visit!”
8) Clear the air of all things-COVID: “Do you order groceries? I sneak to the store during Senior hours. That idea should stay!”
9) Converse from the wonder side of life, like a talk-show host: “What are your new challenges?” “Did you Netflix/K-drama a lot?” Find commonality in how your families stayed mentally healthy. These are thoughtful exchanges that show you are each other’s valuable resource for living well and coping under a pandemic.
10) Thank the host or thank the visitor for precious time together. You would have aligned your Sikolohiyang Pilipino (Filipino Psychology) after this personal exchange. Call it a “virus talk” and laugh it out. Consciously!
“Always, and I mean always, remove shoes before you enter a Filipino home if you are visiting or staying for the night.”
Now the Pinoy pitfalls:
1) Put the brakes on topics like the long-delayed vaccine distribution in the Philippines. Put hope, use the line: “sana naman…(hopefully…)”
2) There is some degree of guilt for missing church service, so don’t go there.
3) Isolation may not be an issue with the one you are talking with, but there might be extreme worry for someone in the care home, like a parent. Avoid the psycho-babble on depression and dementia and Alzheimer’s. It usually results in “tsismis” (gossip) on people you know in that state of health. The message of hope: “Soon we can visit the care home.”
4) Travel talk needs special handling. Unless your company and you are in the 1%, that bucket list of places to see will be a matter of disposable income. But travel to the home country? That’s relatable!
5) Be kind, do not rewind. If conversation turns sour, make sweet and sour. Press your empathy button constantly because fear made people edgy. And your opinions on politics or the pandemic? Zip!
Elena Buensalido-Mangahas is Chair of the Board of Directors of the Filipina Women's Network and serves on the Governing Board of the Little Manila Foundation.
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